When my daughter was 12, I started dancing, on what I would call, a fluke. She was growing up, and needed mom around less, I had gotten through college and other than being mom, l was “only” working a full time job. Suddenly I had some time to myself and wondered, what do “I” like to do for fun? I had nearly forgotten what I enjoyed, and had to seek out a new ‘thing’, just for me. I found dance class, and rather enjoyed it. My daughter wanted nothing to do with it, and that was alright with me; I finally had “my thing, just for me”.
It was my thing for few years, then it grew into something bigger than just my thing as I took on different roles in the dance; first teacher, then troupe director, and then studio business owner. These days I frequently feel like I have lost most of the joy that used to find in dance. I still love to teach, and dance, but having to teach to pay the bills, and having to perform to promote the studio and my classes is emotionally draining. This has entirely to do with the venture of taking on opening a small business related to dance and trying to make my “thing” be a self sustaining business. Not sure where this will be in a year, but for now, I need to sustain it due to the business obligation I made on the space I lease. The past few weeks have been so hard, and I fear that when I am free of my commitment i will disappear from the dance world for some time. Maybe that is the way of things…..
In the meantime, life goes on, and I have spent much of the summer gardening, and have found it to be my new thing. I am alone with my thoughts, no one wants to help, or participate, or tell me how to run, and there is no stress about it, asides for the feelings of guilt for not having enough time to care for it properly. As I weeded my much neglected garden today, I thought about how much I enjoyed the calm sense of mind I felt from digging in the dirt and watching the bugs scuttle around. Dance used to make me feel this way too…..